Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
