i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
