Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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