Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
