he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
