the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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