i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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