why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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