Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
