I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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