dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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