hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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