I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
