My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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