my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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