I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
