i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
