i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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