If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
