I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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