how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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