man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
