And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
