What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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