I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
