I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
