all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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