I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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