go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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