I cannot find my penis.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
