I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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