This girl is more easily done than said...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
