Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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