Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
