foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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