What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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