im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Im part way to drunk.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
