the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
