My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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