I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
