Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
