I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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