I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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