you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
