yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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