remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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