So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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