How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
