On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
