NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
