what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
