hotel room ftw
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
