just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You pole danced in your parka.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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