I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
