it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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