No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
