mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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