Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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