I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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