I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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