i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
